I have a crazy strong desire to be good. at everything.
To be good at being who I am in every role God’s given me. And, good in terms of how God is defined as “good” – faithful, just, gracious, loving, etc. Not good in comparison to excellent which to me communicates more of how you do something versus what you are. (Which is a complete other beast because you know I’m a quasi-perfectionist, too!)
The frustration comes in when I rely on myself for that goodness to be displayed. The fact of the matter is, I’m not good. There is nothing naturally good within me. And, I continue, continue, continue to pray to be good but continue to fail. And, I mean fail miserably.
I’m (still) learning that praying for something is different than depending on God for that “thing” to come to life. Especially when it comes to personality character flaws/traits that we would like to improve. It’s so easy to be moved from a “God, please help to be patient today” place to an “Oh… GAWSH!!! I did it again!” place. I’m recognizing that the bridge that connects a desire pleaded for in prayer and that desire coming to life is dependence on God.
INTENTIONAL, MINDFUL “keep your mind stayed on Jesus” kind of dependence upon God.
That perfectionist in me who wants to be right in how I handle things, in what I say, and the decisions I make cause me trouble…. I am my own thorn in the side.
Today, I’m searching my heart for reasons WHY. Why do I want to be so good and great and perfect? Why is that desire so strong that I put unnecessary pressure on myself?
And, I’m encouraging, imploring, and reminding myself… to trust and depend on God moment by moment. I’m giving myself space and room to err and receiving God’s grace when I do and embracing his love and spirit of “I’m still here” to keep me depending on Him for each effort and outcome.
This is my Wednesday. These are my goals.
Grace, patience, forgiveness, love.
Love covers all things, all sins, all mistakes, all bad decisions, and nasty behaviors.
Loves covers it, forgiveness wipes it away, grace gives you another chance, and patience keeps you unified in peace.