It’s 2:40 in the morning. And, unfortunately, I’m awake.
5 am will come quite quickly and I’m going to wish I could reclaim the last hour plus I’ve been awake.
This seems to be my “time” though…. At least three times a week, I wake up about 2a and can’t fall asleep again until about three.
Hoping to spend this time wisely. Allowing God to search my heart and reveal to me the ickiness that’s found it’s place in the very place that guides my thoughts, speech, and life.
Praying that this is where I can be most free and vulnerable. Praying, crying, and just opening my heart without fear or self consciousness hindering me.
I’m still so emotional over Tenth Avenue North’s song Worn.
I thought today about how our lives are exactly what God planned for them to be. Sometimes that’s hard for me to accept. Hard for me to swallow. Hard for me to want to hear and I realize that it’s only hard because I’m thinking of myself. My wants. My preferences. My heart’s desires (that are rooted in me).
And, when the truth sets in, I’m convicted and my perspective shifts from wishing this and sad because of that- I remember that my life isn’t about me. That if I were to stay face to face with my Lord I’d realize that even though its hard and “my prayers wear thin”, even though I’m weakened and feeling beat down – God’s glory is at stake. I’m challenged to depend on him for strength to get through it all, strength to be patient & kind when it’s really just not there. I have to choose to do what’s hard and uncomfortable.
I have to believe that he sees me, that he cares for me, and that he is sanctifying me. That he’s cleaning me up. That he’s preparing me.
I have to stay near him – I don’t like the impatient, rude, hard, and difficult person that tends to emerge when I allow my schedule to create distance. It leaves me so completely open to focus on this life and myself.
I get frustrated at what I feel and how I’m behaving. That my weariness is wearing on me. That there seems to be no relief.
Then, I’m thankful for these early morning moments when I know God is calling me to his side. Refocusing me. Comforting me. Wiping my tears and strengthening me for the day’s challenges.
And, I’m at peace.
For The Lord is a dwelling place and underneath are the everlasting arms.
In him there is peace, forgiveness, redemption, sanctification, and joy. There’s hope. And, the realization that life isn’t all that bad.
That he gives. He surprises. He blesses. He sees us and thinks of us and gifts us at just the right time.
So, frustration turns to peace, irritation becomes patience, and we’re revitalized by the fact that we serve a God who loves us and he deserves our greatest so that he can receive the utmost glory.
Forgive me, God.
My life isn’t about me, but you and you have blessed us even in our self focused sin. You’re good and I thank you for your unwavering character, your steadfast promises and truths, and your dedication to sanctifying someone such as myself. I honor you and today I pray that my behavior and words glorify you.
…. to a refocused heart.
And the last hour and forty five minutes of restful sleep I’m praying for. 🙂