I got away this weekend.
Not too far, nothing extravagant or incredibly fancy. Just a little getaway to relax, unwind, & celebrate.
Our capital. A city of great music, amazing food and local restaurants, and a ton of fun. A hop, skip, jump away from Houston.
Perfect timing. It’s Mother’s Day weekend and I’m walking a tight rope this year.
The original purpose of the trip is to celebrate one of my college friend’s 30th birthday. This little lady is the bomb-dot-com; she’s a fighter and she has the sweetest spirit that is so contagious and inspiring.
And, she deserves to be celebrated. I will support this gal as much as I can, as often as I can, until I can’t.
She’s fought and survived breast cancer…. She’s living cancer survivor who is so selfless & and kind.
So, I’m literally headed to celebrate this very moment.
The upside to this amazing visit is that it’s during Mother’s Day weekend….. We will be home tomorrow to spend time with family, but I definitely need/appreciate this time away.
I was going over how I was feeling and motives for the temptations to delve into a few addictions of mine (spending and sugar), when I realized that for the first time I felt foolish. I felt so silly & immature for having feelings of sadness & disappointment of not being able to participate in such an honorable holiday.
For a brief second……. These questions & statements permeated my thoughts: How could you be selfish and sad enough to be glad about going away during such a holiday? You are self absorbed. There are people to be celebrated and you run away. You are ditching church as if your feelings are a justifiable reason to not worship with the Body.
But then, I thought…. “Yea, maybe” and kept packing my bag.
This weekend, I am okay with that.
I’m okay with privately and from a distance honoring my friends who are enjoying the first Mother’s Day. I will celebrate with my mother, mother in law, & sister in law tomorrow. We’ll take pictures and eat and celebrate. There will be time spent.
It will be difficult. I will more than likely let go of tears that I have worked so hard to hold back on the way home. Because it all just hurts so badly.
I will cry not tears of defeat or hopelessness but of disappointment and sadness. Pain and acknowledgement.
It’s a day where you are bombarded with confirmation of who and what you are not… You are reminded of why. For me it’a painful endo, for others it’s secondary infertility, or PCOS, or ____. Issues that are out of your control but control your life. Maybe the confusion and emptiness of not knowing why. Or, when. Or, how.
The sadness and pain of miscarriages, failed matches, and deaths. Reliving those moments, trying to ignore the “but, if I had just….” Or “what if’s”.
This day brings the acknowledgement that although its not this year, maybe the next. Or, maybe not at all. Or, again.
The acknowledgement that, yes…. I have not been able to have my own babies but my God is working something out. He is binding my heart to His, He is depositing His dreams and desires for me into my heart, presenting me with opportunities to share and do.
He is developing passions and allowing me to live out my purpose.
He is refining and perfecting me.
Today, I saw the why’s behind the motives that were pushing me toward shopping and cupcakes…. Things that aren’t bad in and of themselves but incredibly dangerous when I lean on them for comfort and solace over my Lord.
Before leaving for Austin, we went to the Galleria to have my watch fixed & shoe shop for Thomas & I both.
Thomas found some really nice shoes and I prayed that I wouldn’t be able to find any.
I could have sought comfort in the Holy Spirit, the Comforter, and bought shoes. It is possible. But, for me, at that time – I wouldn’t have been focused on God but my new shoes. Thinking about when I would wear them with what, creating outfits in my mind, and marveling at their perfectness.
Thank God, my prayers were answered.
Maybe, I’ll find some shoes next week. Lol.
This weekend is an opportunity to get away and focus on God.
To remind myself that even though I’m on the outside looking in, but, it’s a time of preparation. A time of growth. Moments of drawing near to the heart of my Father.
A weekend of enjoyment and celebration…… Amazing weather and friends.
I thank God for this time…. The ability to get away. Friends inviting us to celebrate.
In time, these moments will be but memories and testimonies to the goodness of our God.
Moments of humility that remind me of what used to not be, moments that will remind me to rejoice and bask in a dirty diaper to change and a little one to rock well into the night.
Until then……. We hit the road.
…. Here’s to perspective and goodness and time.