… we’ll be alright

Being the super planner and structured to a fault person that I am…. I find it very difficult to deal with the fact that I have to wait a few more weeks before attending our adoption meeting… hopefully this one won’t have to be rescheduled. We can do nothing before it, but the life that will begin after it is going to be everything I cannot imagine and full of so much happiness, joy, happy/sad tears, frustrations, growth, incredible fun, and most of all- babies.

I am so ready for this life. I cannot wait. And, I’m ready in a I know I’m not ready way but God’s in control and it’s time so lets go kinda thing. I mean, what in life are you really ever READY for? Nothing. You prepare the best you can and you learn as you go. You’re never ready (or expect) to meet the love of your life – but, look at the amazingness that comes from that! You’re never really “ready ” for college but when you complete HS, it’s time to go. We complete one phase of life and move into the next. You’re prepared, you have knowledge, and then you GO. When you go, you learn, you bump your head, you make mistakes but thank God for all of that because of all the growth you experience.

We were “ready” for marriage because we had everything we needed, had the most incredible counseling that saves me from drowning on almost a daily basis and our counselor/friends have taught us so much about LIFE, Christianity, and spouse-ship.  They prepared us for so much more than just a marriage – they teach us to live out our beliefs and be the people God created us to be.  We’ve survived, we’ve matured, and have cultivated this great partnership. He’s a lot less him, I’m a lot less me, we’re becoming a pretty good “we”. It works.

I know as much as I say I cannot wait for this meeting and everything involved – there is no way we can fully prepare to go through what we are about to deal with.We can read all of the books and talk to every adoptive family on this Earth but the bottom line is we have to experience it and experience set you smack dab in the middle of the front lines, instead of the front row. From what I hear, it will be one of the hugest challenges we’ll have experienced so far but also the most rewarding.

The euphoric feelings of this adoption process are waning. And, I am so totally okay with that. I’m ready to dig my heels in and prepare to bring our little one home. We have to prepare for so much. Aside from the legal aspect of adoption, there is the fact that one day we will have to deal with the truth of adoption, the flip side of our sweet story.

One day our kiddo will understand that we were blessed with them because their bio family did not want them. Yes it’s cuter to say that they “chose a better life for them” but let’s be real – these kids are the discarded and unwanted. Not unloved necessarily, but unwanted. The unprepared for. The unexpected. For whatever reason, they were given away. That won’t be an easy pill to swallow no matter how much we love them. It’s truth that will impact them forever. We have to prepare to endure the same rounds of questions and conversations, the most ridiculous questions and statements, and true ignorance. Along with some real cruelty coupled with doubt sprinkled with kindness. Some of this has already happened, but I’m sure the best is yet to come.

Many days my heart will feel how deeply broken it is and there is nothing to do but cry. The love, joy, and pain it holds is incomprehensible and it runs deep. I’m not expecting this little one to heal my heart. I believe that because of her/him and how they will be made apart of us, there will be some healing. Some redemption. Some wholeness and fullness brought with the joy they will bring. Some sort of opportunity to do and be the good, the secure, the forever.

I’m hoping to raise a little one who will love God, have a servant’s heart, and want to use their gifts to serve God big…. that will be an honor.

The journey to our babies is a million and three steps but I’m so glad that we’ve taken the first and the subsequent million and two will come soon after. I’m sure there are times we will run forward, take a few back, possibly count these steps out in circles, but we will be moving and that’s what I’m ready for. Movement.

I confess that although I’m a planner and I like to know, I’m not one to do much research. I’m not terrified of germs or scrapes and bruises. I’m not going to be the parent who sanitizes the world before taking my child out. Germs help to build the immune system, they’ll be ok. Scratches and scrapes give character and will tell great stories when they grow up. I was asked if I would spoil my kids, the absolute answer is “NO.” Spoil? Why would I do that….. when something is spoiled, it goes bad. There’s nothing attractive, beneficial, or productive about a spoiled child. Spoiled children grow up to be spoiled adults and that’s just gross. There’s something GOOD about a child hearing “no”, having to endure things he’s gotten into but wants to quit, and who doesn’t get everything he wants because he wants it. It’s not productive to be able to do whatever s/he pleases just because. What kind of employee/employer, servant, leader, father, husband, friend will this person be? S/he will be selfish, unable to sacrifice, unable to see beyond their own desires, unable to serve others, and just plain rotten. Ew. Not attractive and will make a terrible husband or wife. And, YES… I’m thinking that far in advance because the purpose of having children is to raise to love & serve God, leave, and form their own homes where they have kids and raise them to do the same. In their homes, these little ones who turn into big ones will have to be able to lead and sacrifice for their families or submit to the one who leads. How can they do that efficiently when they are raised to believe that everything revolves around them, that they don’t have to wait or endure much at all, and everything goes their way all of the time? That’s not life. Certainly not a life that is subject to the will of God – which is often not what we’ve planned for our lives.

So, I cannot wait for these weeks to pass.
I do not know HOW to be a parent to perfection, nor do I want to know. I don’t know how long this process will take. I don’t know how it will effect us, how we will be changed, or how my passions for the lost and lonely will grow. I don’t know how many we will have or when we will have them. I have no idea where this road will take us.

I just hope that we are willing to go.

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About Alaina

Wife. Daughter. Sister. Aunt. Friend. feel free to walk beside me. support. encourage. comment. pray. bestow wisdom. advise. follow. subscribe.
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10 Responses to … we’ll be alright

  1. puddin85 says:

    My parents adopted six little ones and we take lots of pictures!! I know when they look back, they will see that they were loved and happy. We trust God because we’d go crazy trying to plan ahead for all their emotions. Two are white with different dads, there are a set of black twins with two brothers….different fathers and etc. I know that in His hands, it will all work out for our good. That is the only real plan 🙂

    • Alaina says:

      Yea you can’t plan on how the response but it is definitely beneficial to understand the processes they could go through at each stage. I’m reading “Adopting the Hurt Child”and it’s quite eye opening. Love it so far. We are definitely learning as much as we can to hopefully make the process a bit smoother……. And, I am loving your large family! I’m sure your house is quite loud and fun!

  2. Z says:

    I love how you bare your heart. How you have given me the honor to really get inside your mind.

    Going to be praying for you, that this process of adoption falls seamlessly into place.

    I’ve got 2 girls of my own but I envision adoption. Because even though there are a lot of babies out there who will hurt at the reality that they were not wanted, we can mend their heart, we can enable them to soar on the wings of eagles. You will do exactly that sweet friend.

    And I can’t wait to see it all come to pass and read your story as it unfolds.

    Also I love these words on marriage, “He’s a lot less him, I’m a lot less me, we’re becoming a pretty good “we”. It works.” Amen to that 🙂

    • Alaina says:

      Thank you for your prayers & support!! 🙂
      AH, yes! Please do! Envision & act. So much growth and perspective widening… I’m praying for that & cheering in your corner!

  3. Stacey says:

    Hi there! Just wanted to read and get some updates on where you guy are in your journey!! 🙂 so excited for you. But I HAD to comment and say… It seriously puts a knot in my stomach to read that your child will be unwanted, discarded by their birth family. That is a huge huge huge myth!!! Most birth parents ABSOLUTELY want their children, regardless of whether they are planned or not!!! My daughter’s birth mom desperately wanted her and would have loved to raise her. She put the baby before those desires however, she did the most difficult thing and set her desires aside for Norah’s sake. Please, never think these babies are unwanted. 🙂 I’m sure it’s possible a very small number perhaps are, unfortunately. But the great great majority of birth parents absolutely do not fit in that category.

    Besides that, I’m so happy to see all the thought and prayer you’re putting into this process! Your babies will be so loved! 🙂

    • Alaina says:

      Hey!!!!!

      We’re excited, too!!!! It’s going …. It’s slow. You know how it is!!

      And, YES! I agree – that not ALL babies are unwanted. I know that the most loving and difficult decision for mamas/parents to make is to give away their babies. I do believe that there are times in the baby’s life that they will FEEL that way no matter how much we love on them or how much their parents wanted them.

      It’s the tough part of adoption – it’s hard. For one party, it’s an exciting and joyous day, for the other it’s the saddest day of their life. As s/he grows and understands better and better what happened – they’ll be hurting. It’s hard for everyone.

      BUT!
      Thank you for checking on us!!! I appreciate you so much!!!

      • Andrea says:

        Congrats on being on this grand adventure! I appreciate your faith, your vulnerability, and your perspective. I just have to agree with Stacey that it is a huge misconception that your kiddo will be “unwanted” by their birthfamily. I just want to encourage you to reflect on that some more now, before you have a little one placed with you. It’s more than just cute, it’s an incredibly hard truth that birth parents choose a better life for their babies when they make an adoption plan. Our little man’s birthmom made the difficult decision because of how much she loved him. It’s hard as adoptive parents to balance the joy & pain of our little one’s story & how they came to us, but important to know that the story we tell helps frame their identity. I’m very encouraged by your blog and clearly God has given you a story to tell. I love your passion about raising kingdom builders! My family will keep you in our prayers.

      • Alaina says:

        We’re all on the same page…… I’m thinking I need to go back and see EXACTLY what and how I wrote/phrased what I said.

        As I mentioned to Stacey, as beautiful as adoption is, it’s also painful. For everyone. And, it will be forever – both amazing and sad, at the same time.

        I definitely understand the magnitude of what is happening and perspectives (albeit some limited as I’m only on one side, yet have insight on all 3) of how the decision, the “gotcha day”, and how this story impacts everyone involved. Obviously, I’m more aware than I was when we decided to adopt, as our time in this process continues to lengthen, and as we’ve already experienced one failed adoption (where the mom did not want the baby). The “realness” is there. Not all babies are unwanted, but some of them actually are.

        It’s a process. We all learn and grow through it. We all have very different, yet very similar stories. It’s what makes this all so beautiful and the relationships we form & the support we receive through this process so necessary.

        Thank you for commenting and sharing your experiences.
        We would greatly appreciate your family’s prayers; they’re always needed!

      • Stacey says:

        You’re right about it bring painful for all in some sense. Everyone experiences loss… Birth parents the loss of their child. Adoptive parents the loss of a biological child. Child the loss of “what could have been.” It’s so good you recognize that!! Sometimes I forget.

        I know one day norah might struggle with her adoption. I hope, like you said, that we always handle it in such a way to minimize that pain. I sat in a hospital room and watched her birth mom hold her and weep, in anguish that she was letting her go. It may seem like me and the below commenter are mincing words, and I’m sorry to do so. Haha! As an adoptive mom, I’ve fielded questions like,”why didn’t her mom want her?” I HOPE HOPE HOPE nobody says that infront of my daughter once se understands!!! Aaaaah!! That’s the LAST thing I want her to think! First off – I’m her mom. Right here. Hello. Second, her birth mom did want her. She made an adoption plan (“Why?” “Because it was in her best interest. Same reason anyone does.”), she did not “give her away,” she made a very conscious, purposeful decision in spite of how painful it was.

        I know we both have the utmost respect for birth parents. 🙂 I think the great majority fall into the same category as my daughter’s. given different situations, they would gladly parent.

      • Alaina says:

        We’re a special kind of people, us adoptive parents! So much be grateful for…. can you imagine how BIG it is to entrust (in some cases) a stranger to care for your child? How grateful birth parents must be the be able to “give” their child to a couple who will be able to do for their what they cannot? It’s an honor and a priviledge – not to be taken lightly. And, yes. I have the utmost respect for them. For all of them, even the ones I know who don’t want their kids. They aren’t abusing or neglecting them. Adoption is very purposeful and incredibly selfless.
        And, ahem….. I would hope that an ADULT would know better than to ask such a question but thoughts aren’t always filtered before they leave our mouths. Oh, how protective I would become. I hope it never happens to any adoptive child, but if/when it does, I pray that we all show the grace and mercy while understanding the lack of filter and heart of what they’re really asking… How did they get to you? (maybe.)
        We just have to be in constant prayer for these little ones and their hearts and feelings.

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