One of the hardest yet most encouraging parts of this journey is watching so many others come into mother/parenthood. One of the toughest assumptions to battle that is connected with dealing with this is that we, infertiles, are angry at or jealous of the individual. Yes, I’m sure there are some women who can lash out but our issues, at their core, are not with you mamas…. but, rather with the battles that are (literally) within us – physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
I am not one of those women and although this post is very candid, it is about my growth rather than another’s blessings.
I’ve said before that this is a tough life. Very hard. Very isolating. Very dark. At times, seemingly hopeless……. Especially during “baby season” and when it seems as if every time you log onto Facebook or run into friends, there is a plethora of amazing news to share.
It’s during these times, we tend to go to “that place”. And, if you just so happen to be on your cycle during the time of announcements or during a “moment”, it’s a double whammy and the depth of that darkness is even deeper.
I went to that dark place last week. While watching the new Private Practice episode where Charlotte is angry and beside herself because she is pregnant with triplets… after logging onto Facebook on one of “those” days where everyone has an annoucement. After coming down from a rough day.
I went there. It’s a place that pulls you in no matter how hard to try. Broken hearts are virtually impossible to escape.
I cried. Thomas came home and had that look on his face when he saw the look I had on my face. Thankfully, he knows and just let me be. Which is what I needed. I cried myself to sleep and woke up with next day willing myself to move forward.
The funny/strange part is that I woke up repeating “.. out the of the darkness that covers me, black as the pit from pole to pole, I thank whatever gods may be for my unconquerable soul..” from Invictus
and after I got that in/out of my system, I moved on to singing Isreal Houghton’s “Everywhere That I Go”, then remebered Genesis 16:13 and thanked God for being “.. the God who sees me…”.
In this life it is soooo easy to forget the truths of God, to get caught up in the now, and overwhelmed with the issues of life. We forget that we are stronger than we give ourselves credit for and that we have someone with us who has paved our way before the beginning of time, who is with us now, and who thinks more of us than we can imagine. He sees us, our every moment, and catches every tear. He knows our deepest desires and has felt every hurt. He is with us. And, thankfully, He allows us to abide in Him, as well.
He is the light shining through the darkness giving us hope, anchoring our souls, and giving us a peace and a comfort (in the midst of circumstance) that cannot be understood.
…. He sees me. And, that is enough.