… what not to say

So.

Long post short…..

As rude and insensitive as many can intentionally or unintentionally be towards those of us who are unable to have our own babies naturally – I try incredibly hard to be open minded & understanding about their closed minded-ness.

Thoughts like “Man, they really put their foot in their mouth on this one…” cross my mind eventually. I mean, in all honestly, who hasn’t stumbled into a mine field a time or two??

Then, there are times I’m not so successful with being diplomatic, charismatic, or “on” when put in situations where these folks say the things they do.

I was with a group of ladies and the conversation took many turns but ended up being directed towards me in regards to my feelings about adoption. I responded to a few questions and gave in a little to prodding of questions I’d love to avoid. No big, everyone stays pretty middle of the road in voicing their opinions … Except this young lady with us who states, “Well, I’m fertile so I don’t have to worry about this….”.

Huh?!

I (quickly) say, “Well, I’m not so it’s something we have to consider…..”

*** And, the crowd goes silent ***

Now, I’m quite proud of my response if not for anything else besides the fact that I actually responded. I don’t always think so quick on my feet and when I do spout off at the mouth – it’s never nice. Ever.

So, needless to say…. Let’s jot this down in a little notepad called “Things You Never Say. Period.”

& please give me a moment to vent about another frustration-
How rude of some to see a woman with a baby (who isn’t the same complexion) and ask, “Is the baby yours?” ….. The things people say – mostly out of ignorance, shallowness, or stupidity at the most to just curiosity, at the least.
But, the cross, how incredibly, INCREDIBLY insensitive and bold. My answer would be somewhere along the spectrum of, “not by birth but by choice….. Is that one you’re with yours?”

I’ve almost never been so impressed.

… to us all remembering to think before we speak…
… to remembering that there is always someone going through something we never think we will….
… and, to just keeping in mind how these folks may feel when we make very opinionated and possibly inconsiderate statements – unless we’re ready to defend them & ourselves til the end.

Alaina.

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About Alaina

Wife. Daughter. Sister. Aunt. Friend. feel free to walk beside me. support. encourage. comment. pray. bestow wisdom. advise. follow. subscribe.
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12 Responses to … what not to say

  1. Elyse Rouzan says:

    Well said. Also, another inconsiderate assumption is that those of us who never had biological children are angry with or jealous of those who do. We are happy for you but we don’t want YOUR children, we want ours!

  2. Jacci Chambers says:

    I was waiting on this post! Give me that gals name and # so I can bust her. I apologize for her. That was very insensitive. I’m sure she’s young and immature , and some other things ill leave off! Thank you for sharing! We can all learn from this!

    • Alaina says:

      Lol. Glad I can count on you!! Unfortunately, she wasn’t so young but just silly and unaware. Not paying attention maybe. Not sure but she zipped it quick!
      …… Just have to try to think a bit more before we speak! Foot in mouth syndrome is not cute!

  3. I’ve known since age eleven that I would not have biological children so I have heard a lot of “what not to say” through out the years. The worst was said to my mother following my emergency hysterectomy at 11 years old. A lady she worked with said “at least you don’t have to worry about her getting pregnant as a teenager”….wow. I still can’t believe my mom walked away without saying a word back to her. My husband and I have adopted our children out of foster care and still hear from time to time inappropriate things said. However, I am so incredibly blessed by adoption and I choose not to listen to the world. The Lord wrote our story, no one else. May God bless you throughout this journey.

    • Alaina says:

      My goodness! How many children have you adopted?? That’s amazing!!

      I think people typically try to communicate the “bright side” of struggles they have no clue about……. But with their desire to be sensitive and supportive they are the exact opposite!

      What a story your family has and how remarkable of you to respond the way you have. What a blessing!

  4. I love that you floored her. I’m all for awkward social moments! Fertility and adoption are unrelated topics. She was a fool.

    • Alaina says:

      Adoption and fertility are definitely separate topics!! She was ignorant at best…… And, very unaware.
      ….. But, I’m glad I floored her, too! Lol

  5. Ashley says:

    Way to go! I can’t imagine any woman. Muxh less mother,making a statement like that, but you never with some people. Never the less as teachers we know that families come in all shapes and sizes, and just because you are fertile makes you a parent!

    Even though I am “fertile” I have always wanted to adopt. There are so many kids out there needing loving parents !!!

    May God bless you in your journey of parenthood

    • Ashley says:

      Way to go! I can’t imagine any woman. Muxh less mother,making a statement like that, but you never with some people. Never the less as teachers we know that families come in all shapes and sizes, and just because you are fertile it doesnt make you a parent!

      Even though I am “fertile” I have always wanted to adopt. There are so many kids out there needing loving parents !!!

      May God bless you on your journey to parenthood

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