But, it’s days like today that I feel worse than horrible because Thomas could never have the chance to be a dad. And, he would be wonderful. Now, this bothers me so much more than it bothers Thomas. For now. I also believe that if he gets the chance, he’d wonder what he was ever thinking being so blase about having children. (He is more of the thought that he’s fine if he has them, he’s fine if he doesn’t.) But, I see how our nieces bring out this amazing, hidden part in him. He’d be more than amazing.
I see so much in him that could shake up a generation. Truly mold a little person’s life to be such an amazing leader and individual. He’s grown so much – personally, at work, and in our home – he has so much to offer. So much kindness, wisdom, personality, and character to pass down. And, to witness all of that end with him breaks my heart.
I can easily say, “God, you see how much we have to offer…. why not allow us to be and share and do with and for another generation?” But, all I can hope and believe is that we are doing all of that with the opportunities we have everyday in the lives of those we cross paths with everyday.
He’s taught me so much about life. Relationships and relating. Being patient. Kind. Patient. Patient. And, more patient. Acceptance. Forgiveness. Addressing issues and conflict – the how and when. Letting things go. Growing up. Maturing. How to handle life. I’m who I am today because of the man he is. The man he was. The man he is becoming. He’s changed me so much for the better.
There was once a time when I couldn’t imagine my life without children. One didn’t exist without the other. Now. I’m looking for the possibilities and opportunities that will allow me to grow into a woman worth emmulating. A person continually maturing in Christ. A woman who is not allowing issues to stunt or limit my future, who I could be, or how far I could go. At times, a woman distracted.
I’m trying to conjure up a new future, a new dream – one that doesn’t include children but isn’t void of hope. It’s difficult because I have no idea what that looks like. Right now, it just looks like a bunch of shopping and acquiring of “stuff” that doesn’t matter. Traveling and moving about freely… If my mind isn’t in the right frame, the future easily feels like a life of wasted time, money, and energy doing a lot of things that are really fun, educational, and exciting but fruitless and empty. Then, I get over myself and remember that my life isn’t about me. And, I think of all of the investing I can do in others. How my life, my story, and who I am could be used to build the Kingdom. And, we keep it moving.
One great thing about this man of mine is that he won’t allow the self pity and one dimensional thoughts that lead to a selfish lifestyle.
So, Who knows. Until then. We hope. We travel. We enjoy. We acquire. Hang out. Pray. Mature. Love. Read. Sing. Play. Impact. Mature. Grow. Serve. Pray. Wait. Encourage. Teach. Learn.
Until then, we live.
… here’s to growth. acceptance. love. patience. perseverance. hope. endurance. &, faith.