It’s been said that the opposite of love isn’t hate but indifference. And, I would agree with that. I’m glad that my dramatics & emotional swings are telltale signs of pure love and not indifference for this challenge before us. My poor husband – the best….. He did nothing (good or bad) but you have to give credit where credit is due when he puts up with a psycho like me! Lol. I will close off and shut down in a minute, go into my dark place because of “something” and he will let me go & be right there when I’m over myself. I appreciate that!!! Sometimes you need a little time to cry it out and get it out of your system!
I never stay long. I always recalibrate, refocus, and adjust. And, come back ready to take on the next day.
I am still very hopeful in-spite of my present circumstances. But, at the same time I am terrified because we do only have two more opportunities to try to have a family. BTW, I do not think that two people make up a family. Two people are a couple. My mom & Thomas think otherwise. If you, my readerfriend, don’t mind posting your thought and supporting reason – I’d appreciate it!
Truth be told, our situation isn’t ideal. It is sad. It is incredibly difficult. However, we are living our lives. We are not letting “this” define us individually or as a couple. We aren’t obsessing over treatments. We haven’t even planned when our next treatment will be. This isn’t going to dictate our lives. Is it sad? Yes. Does is suck? Yes. But, in the meantime, we are about God’s business and our own. Staying (too) busy and doing what we can to better ourselves and our life. We are in a good place in spite of. I am in a good place….. Yes, I have triggers and and can’t take too many questions, conversations, triggers, or announcements before it “effects” me but I’ll have my moment and get over it.
I am genuinely happy for friends and famliy who have been blessed with children both on the way and here now – nothing going on with me will ever cause me to NOT be happy. Do I wish it was me/us announcing and expanding? Without a doubt. But, my feelings about my circumstances will never stop or change the happiness I feel when God blesses someone else.
God has each for us in certain places for a reason. Just like there are different kinds/sizes of bags/suitcases/muffin pans/baking dishes/etc. made for specific purposes – God made each person for a specific purpose. And, a backpack can’t be a suitcase. It’s frivolous to be jealous or callous over not carrying clothes, shoes, and travel size toothpaste and mouthwash. It wasn’t meant to be a suitcase. They are two separate bags used to two separate purposes. If you try to function outside of your God intended purpose or are too upset to do the best you can with what you have – you will miss out on your opportunities to bless/honor/worship God in the way He created you to.
I am okay. Thankful. And, living in my season. Still hopeful. I have shut my baby prayers in a dark closet back in the furthest corner of my mind – its not my focus while still being a heavy desire…. It’s hard. I have not given up…… Just backed away from it for a bit as life and commitments have brought things to the forefront that are HERE and more pressing to be overwhelmed and concerned with. We’re so involved and trying to do so many other things….. We’re truly waiting on God. Trusting His time. Me begging a trillion times a day won’t change His plan. ((and, due to our circumstances, “relaxing” won’t make it better so I don’t think there is a need to slow down.)) smile.
I’m grateful for the opportunities. Grateful that I’m even apart of His plan. Grateful to be used in the specific capacity He had in mind when He created me.
Acceptance is the first step in moving forward, toward a healthier lifestyle.
I’ve accepted that this isn’t my time and until it is, I will handle His business and complete the tasks He puts before me. And, if children aren’t apart of our plan…. He has other things for us – and, I’ve accepted that too.
Thank you for your support and “listening ear” as I struggle. I’ve been quite an open book here – letting everyone see the good, bad, and horrible. I appreciate the concern and I know the pity isn’t ill-willed and quite a natural response. I do understand.
Infertility isn’t who I am. It’s simply a role that I play in life. If I get too caught up in titles, positions, and affiliations, I will lose sight of who God created me to be and start living behind a mask and start playing a role based on what society thinks I should do. I will start behaving in the way that I think people believe I should behave in certain situations. I am no actor.
Yes, I have bad days (as I had and wrote about yesterday) but I also have great day on this journey. The excellent days and moments definitely outweigh the bad but the bad feel so much more intense.
Overall, I refuse to let infertility control who I am or what I do. It is apart of me – it is who I am. It has an impact on my life but isn’t my life.
…. Here’s to rebounding and having the ability to bounce back and come back to center. THAT within itself is a blessing. The bad moments never last long!!!! 😉