… no company please

Life often puts you in positions that force you wonder where you went wrong… A life that drives you to search for an exit, a way out, an answer, an “acceptable” justification for the path you’re on. Or, at the least, a promise of something greater in the future.

The funny thing now is that I’m learning that there truly is a promise of something greater that most definitely won’t come in this lifetime. And, I’m eternally grateful for that promise. Although, I’d like to enjoy some greatness, here, on this Earth, fairly soon.

I hate the person this curse tempts me to be. I hate the sensitivity. The awkwardness when ppl ask about babies and I have to answer questions about trying and explaining the infertility (which I think is important to talk about. Obviously.) I hate fighting feelings of jealousy and having to get over myself and my own issues in order show genuine excitement for another the way I truly want to.

I. hate. this.
I hate the little anythings that trigger the tears I regularly have to fight in public and even sometimes at home so my husband won’t think I’m a flapjack who needs to be committed even more so than I’m sure he thinks already!! I hate the cramping and irrational moodiness that comes with yet another cycle. I hate fighting through anger and frustration, forcing myself to be kind instead of lashing out, I hate hurting others and having to apologize when I fail miserably at keeping control of my feelings. I hate that this blog is centered around desperation and sadness. That there is no promise of children with our own DNA code after these last two cycles of treatment. I hate that I’m terrified to try. I hate looking around and realizing that I’m watching a mother or child while wondering “Will I ever…”

I hate that we are like so many others who are unable to fund tens and hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of treatments/possibilities and how these last two treatments will be the end of the road for us. I hate the reality of not being able to and having to fight these temptations and frustrations until. I hate that I literally laugh at (my own) jokes of looking for abandoned babies at fire stations and churches. It’s inappropriate yet oddly funny (to me) but, um…. The idea of lucking up on a (free) child looks pretty great from where I’m sitting.

I hate the pity. The looks of just pure pity could quite possibly be more frustrating than the circumstance.

It’s funny how so many things can be going so well in life but if one major piece is out of place…………..

I hate that I know that the best thing to do is to deal with it straight on…… No running. No distractions. No temporary fixes. Nothing but complete and utter acknowledgement. Leaves you in a dark place. Lots of alone time to think and process. Lots of denying yourself other things that are the very opposite of what you’d much rather be doing.

I hate the amount of effort it takes to practice self discipline and will power against those things. I hate that these desires won’t ever go away. That I have to deal with this forever. And more and more questions the longer we’re married and the older I get.

I hate that there is no promise.
But, I’m glad that my misery hates company. That I love to pity party alone. And, I’m never here for long.

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About Alaina

Wife. Daughter. Sister. Aunt. Friend. feel free to walk beside me. support. encourage. comment. pray. bestow wisdom. advise. follow. subscribe.
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8 Responses to … no company please

  1. Mom says:

    This is definitely true. You wonder “I’m a good person. I am a Christian. I try to do what is right. Why is this happening to me?” To make you stronger. To make you appreciate what you will receive – in God’s time.

    • Alaina says:

      The only thing abt that is, there’s nothing saying I will receive anything. No promises. So, I can’t bank on getting stronger to handle something I may be given. This could be the life He has planned for me for His glory. That life could entail no children. Nothing but me and Thomas. Doing something. Receiving everything we want but that. I have to accept and deal with that.

  2. Latonya says:

    Wow, i just want to say firstly that its takes a very STRONG woman to be this transparent about a trial/test she is facing. To sit here and be naked in front of the world; I commend you for that. Often times we see the results of people’s test, but we never see what it’s like preparing for or during the test. Secondly, we spoke once. And you basically told me in the most gentlest way ever that i should simply walk into God’s calling because it’s his work and job to save anyway not mine. Well what makes your situation any different from mine? Is it not God’s job to take care of you, to lavish his grace mercy and blessings on you, to fulfill every desire of your little heart while you rest in his love? So you have a couple of tries left according to Dr. earthling, but you have a father who holds time in his hand. I mean he told the water be still an that was the end of that. Why not relax and let those times be the best baby dancing EVER no matter what the outcome. After all, the focus is you give yourself completely to your husband and your husband to you. He’s a God of timing and perhaps he’s letting you enjoy your marriage at this time.Thirdly, my friend you do have promises, according to your faith. Have you read and meditated an gotten filled to full with promises like psalm 84:11 or Matthew 19:26 or psalm 37:4 or maybe James 1:4. See it in your heart, spirit, and mind before you see it in your flesh. God knows what’s best and is always up to something amazing! I tried to keep this short, but ummm yea… i dang near wrote a blog here… i apologize. lol

    • Alaina says:

      Thank you! I appreciate you taking time out to read and even comment!! Sounds we agree on a few things – that God is sovereign and He controls all things…. That because everything is in God’s hands, there is nothing for me to do but trust His plan and rest in His love… Believing that all things work together for good for those who love the Lord.
      To clarify, I’m assuming that you’re responding to me saying “God hasn’t promised me anything”….. I was referring to God promising me a child. He hasn’t ever promised me that. Yes, He does say that He would give me the desires of my heart but the desires that are in line with His will. As I delight in Him and seek Him, “my” desires will become His as I grow in Him and become more like Him. The Mattew scripture is talking about salvation – how being saved is only possible with God. The “this” in that scripture is referring to salvation…. not giving a promise of giving me something I want. I appreciate the James scipture – it’s one of my faves- as James is encouraging you to have joy through your difficulties because they test your faith and produce endurance – the ability to continue to the end. As far as good things being withheld from the upright……… sounds great. It is great! And, is a definite promise of the wonderful things He has for us. In His timing. In His will. For His glory.

      My whole thing was and is, God never promised me a child. A child may not be in God’s plan for our lives. Right now, A year from now, or ever. And. THAT I have to be okay with. He may and He may not bless us. I have to trust and have faith that whatever He decides to do is for my good and His glory.

  3. Wonderful post! I agree with Latonya – it’s so encouraging to see someone being so transparent about struggles or trials that they are facing such as you are especially as they learn to put their trust in God for an unknown future. I had a friend in a similar situation who was also very open through her years of waiting with her husband and she finally announced this week that they are having their first baby… after many years of prayer and faith… and I’m sure many questions for God when it seemed far out of reach. Maybe it’s God’s Will for you to have a child… maybe it’s not… but we must find peace and joy in knowing that He does what is best for us no matter what our circumstances may be. God bless you!

    • Alaina says:

      You are right!!!!! Both of you are! 🙂
      Trusting Him for His plan regardless of what it is!! In the meantime, we do His work and enjoy each other! I’m with you guys!!

  4. PriPle says:

    He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the Lord! Psalm 113:9
    Seven barren women are mentioned in the bible. Six became mothers. Barreness was the exception, not the rule. Keep expecting and praying. God will make clear the road he has for you.

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