“OH… the pain, the pain in my heart……”
The funniest (most random) phrase ever in life. Puts a smile on my face every time I hear or think about it. 🙂
I know most of you who regularly read or who have randomly passed through must think that I have to be, at times, the most depressed person ever in life. And, truthfully, although I’m sad often – I am not depressed.
I notice that I am evolving – my thoughts, my outlook, my perspective. They all change seemingly so effortlessly and quietly but I know it’s only with much prayer and true God given to desire to be what He needs/wants me to be.
I always prayed, prayed, prayed that this journey through barren land wouldn’t be long or very rough. I prayed that we would be one of the couples who would had 1 or 2 treatments and become pregnant and our life would revolve around picking out monograms, color schemes, and how we would mold these little lives to love God and His people… how we would teach them to be so patient (very much like their father & so unlike their mother), creative, and selfless with great, open minds complete with a love and appreciation for art, music, and life.
Although the thought of being unable has always so patiently & elegantly danced in the back of my mind, waiting to be focus on, I never really wanted to acknowledge it. There are a few words I almost NEVER use & a few possible realities that I would deny with all that was in me – willing myself to ignore them- because, we will. One day. Have our own. Everyone says it. Thomas whispers it in my ear as I cry and cry. I try to think it. I want so desperately to believe it but there’s nothing… NOTHING… that promises that.
I’m accepting more and more the thought that maybe children aren’t in God’s plan for us. And, surprisingly, I’m coming around to it. Slowly. It’s a painful, painful concept to accept and I think I cry more now than I have in a long time. Not for a lack of belief but because I know that God’s plan isn’t always ours and I feel that I need to accept the even the possibility that my desire for life aren’t God’s. Thomas questions if this thought process is healthy (lol) but I believe that it’s important for me to be able to accept what God has for me. It’s always so easy to accept those things He has for us that we WANT….. but those things that cause us to cry out in the night and totally lean on Him for are the things that we regard as the “Devil lying” about. When in reality, it could be God’s plan for us to endure that painful, less attractive avenue in life for His glory. How can I truly say I accept God’s plan when that acceptance is isolated to the things I want but not addition to the things I would rather pass on?
Just my thoughts.
I think Thomas just hates to see me sad and crying… wanting me to focus on anything (these things preferrably) than what makes me cry. And, I appreciate that. LOL. But, I want him to know. I want you to know. That I don’t cry because I’m sad about God’s plan, I mourn for the loss of a dream and a supposedly natural ability that I’m unable to fullfill. The inability. Knowing that there could never be little fit slapping tile as they shriek and run from away their father, or toward their mother.
I was talking to Thomas about being unable a couple of nights ago…… As selfish and materalistic as this sounds – I told Thomas that if I can’t have, I want what I want. I want SOMETHING that I want. I feel I should be able to have SOMETHING that I want. Something concrete that I can feel touch and be there when I want it to be. I had a fleeting thought of “God is enough” that night that I ignored but it’s come back to me today….. Definitely don’t want to hear it but why put pressure on Thomas, on usto require/gently demand/manipulate/expect to be gifted/given or purchase items of wordly value that cannot fill this tremendous gap in my soul that really will not ever be able to be filled. Of the anything I could ever purchase in the world, nothing will ever stop my heart from yearning for life beyond myself. Will things make me feel better for a moment? Of course. Certain things have a way of making you feel “some kind of way” about yourself that give you a (false) sense of purpose and importance. Kind of like what life gives you – a purpose on the Earth and the utmost important role in someone else’s life. But…. then, I think of the purpose God put me on this Earth for – how much more important could that be for Him to deny me such a desire? Not to minimize ANYTHING – but if God purposes me to be barren yet impactful for His sake…. could something else really compare in the wide view of eternity? I believe the answer is a very painful “no”.
This has been my struggle over the past few weeks….. actually having time to sit and think things though has given me an opportunity to understand why I’ve been so emotional and teary lately. I’m listening to my heart, to my soul cries. Realizing what I’m really going through and working with deep down – unearthing all that I tried to supress.
A few people have really looked me in my eyes, deep into me and asked how I was doing. I honestly answered, “I’m doing fine…”. I meant it then, I mean it now. This is a journey. And, like anything – I don’t believe that you grow or mature in a straight line. Because we are multifaceted and complex creatures, I do believe that we can be okay in one area of growth but not in another. We can grow in leaps & bounds on one plane, but stay stagnant in another. I’m fine in regards to trusting that God has a plan…. what I’ve come to learn is that trusting in a plan and accepting the plan are two very different things. Very closely linked, but when you are truly able to accept ANYTHING God presents is when you truly “accomplish” trust. Does that make sense? It’s easy to be a trusting passenger believing in the driving capability of the one behind the wheel as long as there are no “scares” or freak incidents that must be manuvered around….. it’s only until you are able to calmly sit though close calls and “near deaths” with peace do you really trust putting your life in another’s hands.
The more I pay attention to that elegant dance in the back of my mind, the more and more I come to terms with it. The more freedom I feel. The more I’m able to accept it & see the beauty in it. If I allow myself. I don’t know God’s plan for my life but I do know that this could be my life. My God purposed, perfectly fashioned life. All for Him. And. THAT is what I’m okay with. Even if it does make me cry.
…… here’s to being unashamed. To not frantically mashing the imaginary gas/brake pedals on the passenger side when things get scary (I know you do it when you’re scared!!! LOL!). To accepting and loving God’s plan no matter how you get there or how many tears it took you to seemingly “arrive”.