One of my favorite (curse) words is the F-bomb. I try NOT to say it but it can roll off at a moments notice if Idrop something, ruin something I’m working on – basically when something goes wrong, it’s my word of choice.
So, when I was going through my whole emotional down, I thought “Efffffffffffffffffffffffffff this. This is hard, it isn’t fair. Efff this! wait. I don’t mean that!” I mean to actually say that to GOD. I immediately thought of when God was taking everthing from Job and his wife tells him to “… just curse God and die.” all because of what was going on around him. But, Job chose to focus on who God was instead of what was going on around him.
It just made me completely stop and immediately readjust my thinking. Knowing that whatever God choses to do or chooses NOT to do – doesn’t make him anyless of who He is and THAT is what I trust. THAT is where my hope is. In God. In who He is and not what He choses to do.
I’m also struggling because we decided that August would be our last month of attempting to conceive with treatments for now. During any treatment cycle, I am at the doctor’s office 3-4 times a month. I can’t take so many days off every month. So, as of August, that will be it for us for a while. At least, maybe until December. Hopefully. If everything goes as planned, we’ll be able to have a treatment that month. After that, we’re looking at June. It’s drawing out a pretty “short” process but what can you do?
I am hurt. I am feeling some kind of way along with that, that I’m not able to really describe. A a numbing peace possibly? Or just becoming calleous. Not sure.
I tweeted yesterday morning, before all of this happened, that you don’t always have to have this world altering revelation to get through something….. that you just need the basics. A little faith. A little hope. And, you’ll be able to keep on going.
….. well. Here’s to finding the courage, desire, and love for my God, my family, and a little one to have the faith and hope to boldly keep going, wholeheartedly trusting God for the desires of my heart.