I tightly grasp onto every little ounce of hope, chance, & possibility that is available on any day, at any time, and in every any circumstance with nothing less than all that I have. And, everytime it feels as if it only leads me smack into a brick wall. A very tall, dark, gloomy, thick, brick wall.
I am tired of hitting my head.
I don’t do well with “lost causes”, and low percentages, and standing against the odds. That is not emotional, but a conclusion based on outcomes and percentages of W vs. L’s. I have more L’s to show for a lot of work and effort. The scales aren’t ever quite tipped in my favor.
I’d rather this treatment money to go toward jewelry, a new computer, clothes, books, shoes, SAVINGS!!!!!, home decor, ANYTHING other than wasted on futile attempts to procreate. I’m not quite sure I want to shell it out again.
Granted, we were on no meds or and had no treatments this month. But, I also know there is a God who CAN defy odds if He so chooses. I was holding tight to my faith that He WOULD. Not stressing (for real) and just hanging out. And, I’m disappointed.
In Him? Kinda. definitely………………….. I know He can, not sure if He will. But, just faithfully hoping. And, with every “no” to my “Can we please have a baby?” plead just makes it harder to keep truly, wholeheartedly hoping and remaining faithful.
In the outcome? Definitely………… I am trying NOT to question.
Usually Thomas gets the sob story – he talks (read: motivates, reassures, and encourages), I cry & complain, and then we just sit. I get up, wash my face, & move on. Then, you guys get the renewed hope “I’m ready to conquer the infertility world because it WILL work this time” post. But, he’s asleep and I have nothing in me to ecourage myself. Sorry. Maybe tomorrow.
…. so much for a perfect evening.