So, July1 has come and gone. And the results are in…..
We are NOT pregnant!!!!!
I’m not sad. I’m not disappointed. I am not anything but focused on trusting God and knocking things off my July To Do List. ((Which is packed with a ton of fun activities – might I add!!!))
My cycle came while I was at the salon and was very light for about 5 hours. It was so strange that I was hoping that I was experiencing “implantation bleeding” that is caused when the fertilized egg burrows into the uterine lining and can cause some spotting. This light bleeding never happens and I was truly holding out hope. Just hoping and praying that God would “surprise” me. When I got home, I had a full blown CryFest that lasted about 45 minutes. Thomas was there, being so sweet and supportive. Mostly quiet – allowing me to cry. I was upset – I was disappointed, sad, and angry. I didn’t understand WHY I wasn’t “allowed” to get pregnant this cycle. I was hurt and disappointed that I wasn’t. Hurt and disappointed that I’m “never” the girl who gets the top of the line “good stuff”, the most fantastic “surprises”, or the pot o’ gold at the end of a horrible thunderstorm induced rainbow.
During my CryFest, Thomas continued to reassure me of God’s goodness and how faithful He always is. At first, I didn’t want to hear this because of how I FELT. I didn’t FEEL loved by God. I didn’t FEEL as if He was being good to me. I didn’t FEEL as if this was fair. I didn’t FEEL like trusting God. I. didn’t. FEEL like it.
I got over my FEELINGS and submitted to what I KNOW about God. He IS good. He IS always faithful. He is loving, kind, and worthy of my praise and honor regardless of how I feel. Regardless of what I’m going through. Regardless of my experiences. I have to learn to just trust God just because. Not to fulfill my desires. Not to give me what I think I deserve or need. But, trust Him simply because He is God. Love Him simply because He is God and worthy of it.
NOW. I’m fine. I’m not sad. I’m even more thankful that I’ve learned to accept what God allows regardless of how I feel and what I want. And, am still grateful and learning what it means to have joy inspite of the situation I’m presented with. Thankful that I’m TRULY accepting this and it’s become more than my truth in theory but apart of how I live my life.
I’m glad the rubber has met the road.
I’m thankful that I’ve experienced the rubber meeting the road. Theory meeting reality. Theory becoming my reality. My experience didn’t cause my theory to adjust. I didn’t rationalize or justify WHY this didn’t happen to me to make me FEEL better. I KNOW that all of this is for the glory of God and I don’t want to do anything to minimize or distract from that.
I am truly at peace with the fact that God will bless us “in time” with what He desires for us when He wants us to have it.
…. here’s to mimosas and summertime libations, joy and peace, and truly trusting GOD for and in all things!!
This is one my new favorite songs!! Along the same lines with the things that “drive us crazy” but those same frustrating things shape into who God would have us to be!
Take a listen and enjoy!