The day has finally arrived.
One of my struggles when I was considering starting this blog was what I would do once this day, or days like this, finally came around….
This day is such a huge day.
A day that will definitely be full of emotion either way.
A day that could potentially change our lives and plans forever.
If the treatment was successful – it would be a perfect day. The sun won’t be able to shine bright enough. I probably won’t mind the 108 degree temps as much and I’m sure my patience and tolerance level for even the craziest thing would be much longer and higher than they usually are on my best day. I can see myself being uber protective of my personal space, making sure no one bumps my little belly. I’d encourage Thomas to download all the baby/parenting apps that have been sitting lone and unused on the third page of my iPhone. All on they’re own. In two folders labeled 1Samuel 1:27. Waiting to be useful.
One day during the 2ww of a cycle before treatments, medications, and fertility specialists, Thomas and I were pretty sure we were successful. I had every symptom you could possibly have. I was excited. I was proud. We sat planning and thinking through hypthetical situations …. We’d decided that once we found out we were expecting, we wouldn’t spill the beans until after the first trimester per most doctors suggestions. After the first trimester comes and goes the risk of miscarriage drops significantly and we’re in the clear. But, now that there is a blog – we’re put in a totally different situation. There are people who have been following us, praying with us, and pulling for us. People who struggle with our same issues, wanting the best for us. Hoping for a successful treatment for us knowing that if it worked for us, treatment can also work for them. Friends who’ve experienced and are experiencing what we are. Friends who were praying with us even before we started the blog. I wouldn’t feel right keeping it a secret from you. It would seem so unfair. So. When I find out, a day or so later – you will, too. But. I’d still ask you to continue to pray for us. Pray with us. Pray for our little one. That it snuggles so safely and stays healthy in it’s little temporary home. That we both stay healthy. That I’m consistently selfless enough to do the things I won’t want to do for the sake of the health of our unborn and myself. Like, drink the 10+ glasses of water that I should drink. And, currently don’t. That I work out and take walks even when I don’t feel like it. That I maintain a healthy diet and don’t endulge more than I should. That I make more of an effort to be respectful to my husband even though hormone levels are high. I’d ask that you pray for Thomas. For God to keep him sane during the upcoming months while his ever emotional wife’s hormones increase and her waistline (and everything else) expands. That he is able to manage and live with me/us in an understanding way… being more loving, patient, and kind than he’s ever been.
If the treatment was unsuccessful – it would be a rough day. I’d still have the same struggle. Figuring out what to say and how to say it. Determining how to word such a painful experience. Having to type it. Deal with it. Reconcile with it. It would be therapeutic but so incredibly hard. Embarassing. Hurtful. I’d ask that you pray for us to deal with this “loss” and disappointment constructively. The loss of a dream. Of ideas and plans that have just been waiting to become reality. The loss of a little piece of you that believed “this time” would be it. The loss of a little bitof faith and hope that will have to be regained in order to go through another round of treatments with a positive attitude. You’ll have to pray that we are able to pull it together and try again with even more faith and trust in God’s plan. That we don’t give up. Lash out. Or, become bitter.
I started the Timeline page on my blog to keep track of our treatments. I’d seen variations of timelines on infertility blogs before and thought it would be a great idea to start one of my own. To keep things straight. To use as testimony to our past when we are blessed with little ones. I’ve seen some pretty long timelines. Rarely have I seen a short one. Actually, never have I seen a short one. Timelines that went on for usually two years at minimum. Timelines that included multiple surgeries. Treatments. Miscarriages. BFN’s. Lists of various medications. More treatments. More BFN’s. Tallys of two and three HUNDREDS of THOUSANDS of dollars spent in hopes of having just one child. Savings spent just for the possibility of ONE child. I didn’t want to have to experience that. I didn’t want my timeline to be extensive. I wanted to be the couple who’s first treatment was a success. The couple who didn’t have to go through any more additional years of trying on top of the years of failing before treatments even began.
A negative test would bring to light so many new fears. So many new challenges. The possibility of more surgeries. More money added to the tally. More events added to the timeline. So. In light of all of these things, I decided to allow myself one day. One day for one pity party. One day to sulk. Walk around in pajama’s. Eating a meal that soley consisted of cake, candy, and Sprite. And, doing absolutely nothing but sitting on my couch.
The good thing is that I have things to do tomorrow. Lots of personal upkeep appointments. And a Cupcake Trot with my one of my good friends. Dinner with friends. Events that will keep me occupied for most of the day. So much to do that I may just wait to test until Saturday. So my Friday isn’t ruined. So I won’t have to cancel my events to host my Pity Party for one. So if needed, I can have my cake, Sprite, candy, and movies uninterrupted….. without having to make excuses and withstand pity with a smile. Without having to fake strength.
Those are my struggles. What to do. When to do it. How to do it. How to deal with it. Constructively.
Oh…. that cycle ended in passing large clots and a large amount of disappointment. Clots I’ve never passed before, have never passed again. And a really strange cycle that’s never been experienced. And, a doctor’s appt with Dr. D the following month.
…. here’s to the first and feeling strangely content jamming this gorg song on repeat for two days straight. If this song doesn’t make your heart light with love and smiles…. it will definitely thaw it out.