….. is a biiiig day. And, I’m exhausted.
I am strangely not excited. I’m hoping the excitement will kick in on the way to our appointment. I thought I would be bubbling over with anticipation, talking a lot, and annoying Thomas with questions and all kinds of “… ooooh, what if’s…” but that is NOT the case.
Ever since we started with Dr. D, I haven’t had the stress or pressure of actually “trying” for a baby. It’s been a relief. It’s been so relaxing. It felt good not to have an emotional response when my cycle came. So to gear up for a treatment and everything that goes into it emotionally is a bit much. I don’t want to worry and stress about if my cycle will come. I don’t want to wonder if being tired, really hungry, or emotional could be early symptoms of pregnancy. I don’t want to stress over cramps that come before my cycle – are they cycle cramps or “uterus stretching” cramps that some women experience before finding out they’re pregnant?!?! I don’t want to experience any more of what I’ve already gone through if I find out the treatment didn’t work. I don’t want to have conversations about when we will try again or what we’re going to do….. Unless, of course, we’re planning for #2.
I am honestly quite terrified. Not of the procedure but of the results. Almost don’t want to go…..
I also just realized that I injected quite a bit of hormone into my system and this melancoly mood could allllllll just be part of it. Quite funny how the perspective changes when you realize that it’s not “you” feeling this way but these blasted hormones that make you cuh-ray-zeeeeeeeee….
My goal – to constantly remind myself that this whole process is NOT about me. It’s not my wants that are important. It’s not about me. It’s not about me. It’s not about me. And, whatever happens – it will be okay. Because. IT WILL. be okay. It has to.